It's February now and that means my school is abuzz with the one love filled and gift giving holiday that I hate. Don't get me wrong, it's a great concept just terrible execution. A holiday used to single out and depress every single single person more than we already are. Why can't this day be about loving yourself? Recognizing that you are an amazing person, who doesn't need another person to give you gifts to tell you that you are amazing. You should be able to love yourself without needing reassurance from others. I celebrate Valentine's Day by buying myself gifts, mainly Lindor truffles because that stuff is like crack. And maybe Valentine's Day is great if you're in a relationship, but BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT THATS LIKE SO I CANT TALK ABOUT THAT OR HOW GREAT GETTING GIFTS FROM A BOYFRIEND IS! But I do know about gifts and gift giving, and the act of gifting is exactly why I am single.
Reason #3: Godess of Gifting
I take gifts seriously, a little too seriously. I will spend hours searching for your perfect gift and I have no shame in asking for money if I start to run out because giving gifts for me is a competition, one that I always win at. Once I've bought your perfect gift(s) I anxiously await until whatever holiday or event comes to watch your face. Specifically the face where you are completely in awe of my gift but sudden realization that your gift doesn't compare. But you shouldn't feel bad about it, because I knew when I bought these presents that no one would be able to out do me. I prepared myself for the last minute gifts that I'd be getting weeks before. Not that everyone else is bad grifters, but because I can never think of any ideas for myself, my brain is too full with gift ideas for other people that I don't matter anymore. So I basically have set the competition up where you have no choice but to lose. And I'd apologize about that but if you ever get a gift from me, you've already got your prize for losing, as a winner I get the peace of mind that I've won.I'm an extremely competitive person, I hate to lose, and when I do I spiral into a terrible depression filled with self hate because I suck as a person. Im like Monica from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. but without the OCD. I just hate losing, it kills me inside. And maybe gifts don't matter, but for me they do, for me it's a way to show the people that I care about that yes I did remember that you mentioned how much you love cooking outdoors, because SURPRISE DAD HAPPY FATHERS DAY I GOT YOU A MEAT SMOKER! I also get a personal high from gift shopping, holiday shopping for some people is stressful and time consuming, but not me. I get excited to go to the mall and deal with all the craziness, because I know that I've nailed your present, and you're going to LOVE IT. The moment I find your gift is one of the best highs that I get, I become just as excited with buying your gift as you do actually receiving it.
So I am a winner and I am a gifter, and that makes me single because ain't no guy gonna put up with my shit. I will not tell you what I want, because I do not know. And I will not help you, because I'm focused on winning and buying you a present that will either blow your mind or make you tear up at its sentimentality! I am single because I take gifts too seriously, and honestly you could probably say it's pathetic that I make gifting a competition, but I can't help it and if that makes me undateable so be it, at least I give amazing presents that people love.
In case you were wondering, I did slay at Christmas this year too. I won, just like I thought I would. Good Job Self, you've done it again.
